Sunday, October 7, 2012

Frank Guinta's Plan for America

Breaking News 10/7/2012:  Rumors are circulating that someone who attended one of Representative Frank Guinta's job fairs has actually found a job through the fair.    We here at are focusing all our reporting resources on tracking down this person if he or she exists.   Please check back for updates.

Update 11/3/2012:  Incredibly, AP just ran a story about how there's no evidence anyone's gotten a job at a Guinta job fair, and some evidence Frank Guinta is lying about that. readers knew this a month ago when they read this post.

Fresh off the success of his “Getting Granite Staters Back to Work” initiative, in which the US congressman himself hosted six job fairs, single-handedly ending the state's unemployment problem, Congressman Frank Guinta announces his "Congressmen Fix America Themselves" initiative.   In the freshman representative's bold plan, members of the United States House of Representatives will do the jobs needed to solve America's problems themselves.

Congressmen running employment agencies.   Unemployment: Solved

Rep. Guinta hosts a job fair for veterans.  
We are investigating rumors someone got a job at this event.

The cost of healthcare for all of us is spiraling out of control.    Congressmen are already being paid by the federal government, and it will cost nothing additional to the taxpayer to have them see patients.

Congressmen working as physicians.   Healthcare: Solved

Our nation's roads and bridges are crumbling.   There's no money in the budget to fix them.  But each congressmen regularly travels back to his own district.   He could easily do some roadwork while he's there.

Congressmen fixing roads and bridges.   Infrastructure:  Solved

Educating our children is vital to our country's future.   All congressmen have attended school, and some even have first-hand experience with our public education system. 

Congressmen teaching public school.   Education: Solved

Foreign policy, especially in the Middle East, presents grave challenges to our nation.   In Frank Guinta's bold new plan, congressmen arm themselves and fight for US interests across the globe.

Congressmen as soldiers.   Foreign Policy: Solved

Republicans are struggling to reconcile their belief that government should be small and nonintrusive with their desire to regulate women's reproductive systems.  But Frank Guinta has put forth a bold solution to this seemingly intractable dilemma.   When congressmen themselves act as gynecologists they can keep women's healthcare decisions private between doctor and patient while simultaneously intervening to prohibit abortion and contraception.

Congressmen as OB/GYNs.  Women's reproductive health care:  Solved

This post is satire.  I obviously have no authority to speak for Rep Guinta or his campaign.

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